So… in fairy-tale land, this is how it supposedly goes.
1. Person (no, wait, fairy) has some sort of trial or hard time or whatever.
2. Fairy struggles with dark thoughts and heartache.
3. Fairy finds Jesus (or already knows Jesus.)
4. Everything is great–no more problems.
5. The End.
Okay, so actually there are no fairy tales like that. (That I know of.) But it seems to be the way people imagine it should/does go.
But it doesn’t.
(Unless I’m a freak of nature, in which case you can just ignore this post. But somehow I doubt I’m the only one.)
It’s more like this:
1. Person has some sort of trial or hard time or whatever.
2. Person struggles with dark thoughts and heartache.
3. Person finds Jesus (or already knows Jesus and remembers this.)
4. Person still cries a lot. The main difference is that they pray a lot now too, but many of their prayers are basically, “Sob, help I don’t understand, I’m glad you do, sob.” (seriously, I am not a dramatic or emotional or sappy or cry-y person, but I’ve been there.)
5. Person is surprised when the sun comes out and they can see how God is working
6. And then Person watches in dismay as the clouds come back and just being alive is hard.
7. Person looks up again and “sees” God there, suffering too.
8. Person is really grateful but it’s still hard.
9. Person learns to trust God more, and timidly starts believing that they are LOVED.
10. Person realizes that maybe this is what is meant by healing.
11. Person still hurts so much they want to scream sometimes.
12. Person holds on, barely (or rather God holds them.).
13. Person realizes that healing doesn’t mean not caring and it doesn’t mean not hurting, and they become okay with that.
14. It’s years later and they still have really awful days.
15. But they know it will all make sense in God’s time, and so they keep moving forward in God’s strength.
16. And it doesn’t End, not here. It still hurts. It still goes round and round in cycles that seem endless.
17. When Person goes Home, finally, it will end–and they’ll see the glory of it all.
18. But until then, Person will learn to love and trust and hope in God’s strength, knowing that His timing is the best of all.
People say you’ll heal, that time will help, just pray about it.
And it’s almost a year and a half in and it still hurts so much I can hardly bear it. In fact, I can’t. And that’s why I continually go to my Papa God, begging Him for help and casting my burden on Him. Because how else can I live?
And others let me glimpse their pain and I feel the vastness of it, underneath their heart-surface. And it overwhelms me, because how do I tell them that even though there’s hope, even when you have Jesus, it is still so hard? How do I tell them, when I see that they are writhing with pain underneath, that it will all be worth it in the end and they’ll see, God will use it, that He already is?
Sometimes my answers sound so “pat”, so unhelpful, so Christianese–even though I care so much it physically hurts. So I do the only thing I know will help, and I bring them to God in prayer with a heart that breaks with it all.
Oh, Lord Jesus, come quickly.